Intentional Discomfort

A lot of things bring me comfort: Millie, coffee, flowers, hugs and naps. This week in counseling I was challenged to find "intentional discomfort" in my life. 

I was asked two questions:

1) Who is the real Brandee? 

2) Am I brave enough to show her to other people? 

YIKES!

So I am on a mission - I am looking for ways to be intentionally uncomfortable in my life. Thankful I have Millie to come home to during this time! 

Love,

Brandee

"Your body is just special..."

Based on my blog title, you might think I'm going to pull an Elisabeth Elliot on you, but I'm not. If you don't know about EE, she was an amazing author and missionary, but in college her book, Passion and Purity, became like a religion. Check out more here.

 Amazingly, this is a direct quote from my sweet sister, Amber! And y'all it's so true. My body does its own thing...it does not follow doctor's rules. If a medicine is going to have an unusual side effect, it will probably happen to me. 

So this Monday, I woke up in the middle of the night with leg pain that felt oddly familiar. It was like a Charlie horse, but more intense. The only other time I felt that was May 13 when I went to the ER for a DVT (deep vein thrombosis). Thanks to the advice of our amazing school nurse, Merrie, I called the doctor Tuesday and explained what happened. They arranged a leg ultrasound right away. I went in at 3:30 p.m. and I was told by phone everything was clear. When I went in today the nurse practitioner said something different...I do have a blood clot, but it's not blocking anything. SO thankful! The official paper work (that I don't really understand) is below...

Official Paperwork 

After being called a "starter" when I proudly showed my tattoo at the Teen Book Con author reception, I've been thinking about the new tattoo I wanted. Sadly, I missed my tattoo window for now, but Amber said it just gives us more time to design it. :-) You can't get tattoos while you're taking blood thinners, and starting tomorrow, I'll be taking a 21 day dose of Xarelto while my d-dimer is being processed. I still don't know exactly what a d-dimer is other than that it tells how well my blood is or is not clotting. The good news is that I don't have a blockage; I don't have to be hospitalized; I don't have to have Coumadin blood levels read every week; and I have a great doctor and even better nurse practitioner! So there's a lot of good news. The not-so-good-news is that I have to get back on blood thinners and they have no idea why the clot formed. My last ultrasound was clear in August. So the way I see it is that this is one chance to have faith while I'm in a waiting time.

And of course no post is complete without Millie. This sweet girl got a bath last night and then slid in the mud today on our walk, but I don't mind. She is such a snuggle bug and I am INCREDIBLY thankful that she is part of my life!! Just look at her face - it's pure love. 

Thanks for reading - I'm realizing this is a great way for me to process what is going on in my life. 

Love,

Brandee 

Quiet

Right now my life is quiet. I'm thankful. Since my DVT and PE on May 13th last year, my life has been loud and demanding. Constant doctor appointments, specialists, and blood work take time. 

I find the quiet strange though...there has been so much and now, stillness. Not just with my health...moving, struggles at work, taking an 8th grader in, letting her go, medical bills, more counseling, dealing with my past, and forgiving others. In a world where busyness is a badge of honor, I feel left behind sometimes, BUT I don't want busyness to define me. So I'm going to sit on my porch, read, have awkward silence, go for walks, have dinner with friends, see my family and snuggle with Millie because maybe God is using this time to heal me. 💗 

New Life

Easter is all about New Life. In Texas we can plant flowers and enjoy spring weather...it's been just beautiful the past several days. It's a beautiful visual and reminder of life! Earlier this year I claimed this would be a year of rest for me; however, it's been anything but that up to this point. That's why I'm so thankful God gives us visuals like flowers, greenery and sunshine. Y'all, He is doing something New in me. 

Easter is a symbolic time for me this year because just like Jesus rose from the dead and defeated death, Jesus is defeating enemies in my life. Enemies like guilt and shame. These guys have been in my life for too long - they've overstayed their welcome by years. Seriously, years. Guilt and shame are funny creatures- they take the appearance of what they need to in order to survive. That's why they're hard for me to recognize sometimes. But man, oh man, they bring death. Death to relationships, death to friendships, and death to self-confidence. Praise God that Jesus defeated death on the cross. These guys can no longer have control over me. They try, but I'm on the lookout and claiming life. 

So this Easter I will celebrate the New Life Jesus is bringing me. I'm blessed and thankful that He is drawing me closer to Him. Whether I stay in my town home through my lease or God provides someone to come in...whether I struggle to find a church home or make one right away...whether I can pay my medical bills or have to ask for mercy...God is with me and He is doing something New. I'm ready.

Good Friday

I'm thankful for many things today. I am loving spring weather and long walks. Blue bonnets are a bonus! Plus, thankfully, my meds are finally back on track- the yucky ones are out and the good ones are working again. My mom and I have been experiencing a great healing in our relationship. Amber sends me quotes, images, verses and prayers. Scarlett sends pics of the kids and they're coming tonight for a slumber party with Aunt B! 

God is faithful and I'm so quick to forget. I still haven't found anyone to take over my lease, but I am trusting God's hands. He can use the hardest things to bring us closer to Him. Look at Good Friday- Jesus died on the cross and the disciples thought the story was finished. BUT GOD... was not finished! He was faithful to bring life and restoration to His Son and ultimately for us. 

I don't understand how God can love me so much, but I sure am thankful! I know that if He can do this miracle of New Life in Jesus, then surely He can and will provide for me. It may not be the way I see best, but thankfully He knows exactly what I need. 

The Anxiety Monster

I've lived with depression most of my life. For many years, I took ballet and I can still close my eyes and hear the record (yes record) start our plié warm up. Once I heard the needle hit the record, I knew I would be okay. This week I faced a new monster, anxiety. It's a sister to depression, but much scarier.

See, I've been trying new antidepressants to avoid unwanted side effects and thought I had a winner. Unfortunately not. My most recent antidepressant put me through a "chemical shitstorm" as a trusted friend calls it. I've lived through this the past several days and it is not for the faint of heart. I have way more respect for my sister, Amber. When I shared with my psychiatrist today about this feeling of fear, she agreed. Dr. Sauer said that anxiety is harder to deal with in many ways. Having experienced both, I have to say that I emphatically agree. 

Thankfully my sister, Amber, recognized something going on in me. She sent me to my mom's first and my mom took great care of me. Then, Amber and Andrew loved me so well...they just let Millie and me hang out and be, not easy when you come from a "fix it" family. I'm still recovering and praying these meds pass through my system quickly. I'm going back to a safe and trusted med where the main side effect is weight gain. I'll take weight gain over this level of anxiety any day! 

For all those that struggle with anxiety I feel for you. I know I'll still have moments of anxiety as most of us do, but I pray it doesn't haunt me as I wake up and go to bed each day, and I pray the same for you. 

Love, 

Brandee 

Loss

This is a tough post to write, but writing has become therapeutic for me. 

I was in Austin this week at SXSWedu and enjoyed hearing great speakers like Temple Grandin, but part of me felt disconnected. Yesterday I realized the hotel I was staying at in Austin was the one my dad and I used to stay together at during our summer Texas Tours. He loved Austin, so I did too. We have lots of family memories walking the UT campus and visiting the Capitol. For the Texas Tours I took with my dad, we would pack up and drive to West Texas to see family and then do something fun along the way home. I don't talk a lot about my dad, but my heart hurts for him. He has three daughters that love and need him, but he doesn't know how to receive that love or be there in a loving way, so right now our relationship is broken. 

Here's a view from the hotel- it was right on Towne Lake so it was beautiful. 

We always visited the Capitol and stood on the star to hear our voice echo. 

Honestly, if you asked me 10 years ago where I would be, my life is not where I thought it would be. I thought I would be married, out of Houston and with at least one or two kids, but God had other plans. 

This was my first conference without Rich by my side- I didn't go to any conferences last year because of health reasons, so I didn't think about it. And even though we haven't been together for awhile, this week felt lonely without him by my side. I kept seeing things that made me think of him or something I wanted to tell him about from a session. Like this art...he would have loved it. Even though it reminded me of him, God still used it to comfort me because God is creative. 

I'm also mourning the loss of my home and neighbors at Woodvine Park. I knew they watched out for me and there was always someone to talk to; now, my neighbors close their garage doors and go inside for the night. And even though I knew that my home was not the best place for Lily and vice-versa, it's hard to go home and walk by her room. I'm praying for favor with my landlord to understand and open the doors for a new home. 

Really, I'm just looking for God to do some new things and show up in BIG ways. I need a fresh start. A fresh outlook. A fresh heart. A fresh pair of eyes. A fresh look at all the great things God has done for me. 

I'm giving myself permission to feel and be sad- something I denied myself for most of my life. It hurts. 

In the midst of emotions, I'm thankful for the sunshine in this cloudy time---a sister that opens her home as a refuge, the Tromps, including my sweet niece and nephew, healing between my mom and me and the doggies. They all love me so well. 

Sweet doggies, I had food they wanted. ;)

                Love these two! ❤️

My daily prayer is, God you're going to have to get me out of this mess because 

it's too big for me to do anything about! Thanks for reading, 

Brandee