Chasing Hope: Loss

This is a tough post to write, but writing has become therapeutic for me.

I was in Austin this week at SXSWedu and enjoyed hearing great speakers like Temple Grandin, but part of me felt disconnected. Yesterday I realized the hotel I was staying at in Austin was the one my dad and I used to stay together at during our summer Texas Tours. He loved Austin, so I did too. We have lots of family memories walking the UT campus and visiting the Capitol. For the Texas Tours I took with my dad, we would pack up and drive to West Texas to see family and then do something fun along the way home. I don't talk a lot about my dad, but my heart hurts for him. He has three daughters that love and need him, but he doesn't know how to receive that love or be there in a loving way, so right now our relationship is broken.

Here's a view from the hotel- it was right on Towne Lake so it was beautiful.

We always visited the Capitol and stood on the star to hear our voice echo.

Honestly, if you asked me 10 years ago where I would be, my life is not where I thought it would be. I thought I would be married, out of Houston and with at least one or two kids, but God had other plans.

This was my first conference without Rich by my side- I didn't go to any conferences last year because of health reasons, so I didn't think about it. And even though we haven't been together for awhile, this week felt lonely without him by my side. I kept seeing things that made me think of him or something I wanted to tell him about from a session. Like this art...he would have loved it. Even though it reminded me of him, God still used it to comfort me because God is creative.

I'm also mourning the loss of my home and neighbors at Woodvine Park. I knew they watched out for me and there was always someone to talk to; now, my neighbors close their garage doors and go inside for the night. And even though I knew that my home was not the best place for Lily and vice-versa, it's hard to go home and walk by her room. I'm praying for favor with my landlord to understand and open the doors for a new home.

Really, I'm just looking for God to do some new things and show up in BIG ways. I need a fresh start. A fresh outlook. A fresh heart. A fresh pair of eyes. A fresh look at all the great things God has done for me.

I'm giving myself permission to feel and be sad- something I denied myself for most of my life. It hurts.

In the midst of emotions, I'm thankful for the sunshine in this cloudy time---a sister that opens her home as a refuge, the Tromps, including my sweet niece and nephew, healing between my mom and me and the doggies. They all love me so well.