Chasing Hope: February 2016

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Leap Year

February is a tough month for me for many reasons this year. I've taken some leaps of faith and fallen, but God has been faithful to pick me up and help me continue to walk a path of courage.

It's Leap Year. Eight years ago on February 29, 2008, I met the man I thought I would marry. That same man had a birthday yesterday. We've been broken up for about a year now.
I sent Lily home to live with her mom because I learned that my heart wasn't equipped to handle her emotions and baggage.
Even though I haven't talked to my dad in almost four years, I still care what he thinks.
I'm in a huge 3 bedroom town home that is feels isolated and lonely.
New medical bills arrive in the mail every day and my finances are a mess.

BUT GOD...

...is showing me I don't have to do life alone.
....is showing me He has healing for my broken heart.
...is showing me He is a good Father.
...is showing me how much he loves me through a sister that sends daily verses, text messages and encouragement to me.
...is showing me I don't have to worry about tomorrow.

I have many blessings...

Tactile Therapy in Coloring Books with Prisma Colors!

Reminders of Hope Spelled Out in Bold Letters on a Saturday Morning Walk!

Millie - a Dog that Loves Me and Can't Stand it When I'm Away From Her!

Fun at Work While Fundraising for the Library!

Sisters Who Know Me and Love Me!

Love,

Monday, February 15, 2016

Failure, gulp.

Today I visited two doctors...one was an eye doctor who does research and ministry through his work and the other was a psychologist who is helping me work through things with Lily.

Both of them confirmed what God had already been speaking to me...I live my life in fear of failure. No, this is not a new concept for me. I've talked to quite a few amazing therapists about this and yet, I still struggle.

Dr. Joey, the optometrist, advised that I accept failure as wisdom. He does more than just check eyes - my soul was nourished when I left. Dr. Lee encouraged me to be thankful to God for the chance to make mistakes because it reminds me how much I need Him.

Y'all, this is tough stuff. After all, I'm not perfect and I never will be. I'm pretty sure the only person that "expects" me to be perfect is me. Amidst all this perfectionism is a driving force of guilt. Guilt that I'm not enough of...a friend, a person, a librarian, a guardian...fill in the blank, depending on the day. Dr. Lee also reminded me that guilt is sadness (Hello self-pity.) BUT godly sorrow brings change.

2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorry (GUILT) brings death."

I want to live in LIFE and not death. I want FREEDOM instead of bondage. I want CONNECTION instead of isolation. I want INTIMACY instead of privacy. I want to LOVE OTHERS FREELY instead of fearing abandonment. I want to BE BRAVE instead of afraid. I want to have HOPE instead of despair. I want to be REAL instead of fake.

"You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand."

Margery Williams

The Velveteen Rabbit

I'm not sure what the next week or month holds for me, but I'm going to take it moment by moment and accept that it's okay to fail. Hey, I might even learn something along the way. ;-)

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Silence has never been so loud.

Y'all, I am not kidding. I am "used to" the silent treatment - thanks, dad - but silence since Saturday night with a few occasional sighs, moans and mmm-hmm is all I am getting right now. It's Tuesday night. Praise God for Dr. Lee, my sisters, and my friends for listening to me vent and helping me through this. Even though it's not about me, it's still hard.

See, Lily's birthday was Saturday. Thanks to Amber, we had cupcakes and a photo scavenger hunt for 4 kids plus Lily. (I was getting over a sinus infection and strep throat.) We had a blast and Lily and Carson even ran through the water on a COLD day in Houston. I was prepared with towels and we even stopped for hot chocolate.

Happy Birthday Time!

Friends at Los Trompos

Lily's mom mentioned she would take her to dinner on her birthday night...she never showed, called or texted to my knowledge. So Lily and I went out for Korean food and it was delicious.

I love this picture of Lily because it's raw vulnerability...

After dinner, I mentioned we would be going to church with my sister, the silence began. Faith and Jesus are both BIG parts of my life. God is the one who put Lily on my heart. She knows that and before she moved in or we proceeded in any kind of capacity, Lily agreed to go to church and be present. But it was painful spending the day with her Sunday. I know it's not about me, but it's still hard.

I think what also made it hard was the emotional roller coaster of celebration to disappointment to silence. So now, I am using new techniques from Dr. Lee to encourage Lily and be direct. Prayers are greatly appreciated. I am looking for a counselor for Lily but with Medicaid it's limited. I wish that CPS would have stayed involved to check in on us...it feels like I've been left alone with no instruction manual for dealing with this transition. Again, I know it's feelings, but still, it is hard.

I'm doing self-care. Millie and long afternoon walks are my comfort. So thankful the weather has been sunny and bright!