The Anxiety Monster

I've lived with depression most of my life. For many years, I took ballet and I can still close my eyes and hear the record (yes record) start our plié warm up. Once I heard the needle hit the record, I knew I would be okay. This week I faced a new monster, anxiety. It's a sister to depression, but much scarier.

See, I've been trying new antidepressants to avoid unwanted side effects and thought I had a winner. Unfortunately not. My most recent antidepressant put me through a "chemical shitstorm" as a trusted friend calls it. I've lived through this the past several days and it is not for the faint of heart. I have way more respect for my sister, Amber. When I shared with my psychiatrist today about this feeling of fear, she agreed. Dr. Sauer said that anxiety is harder to deal with in many ways. Having experienced both, I have to say that I emphatically agree. 

Thankfully my sister, Amber, recognized something going on in me. She sent me to my mom's first and my mom took great care of me. Then, Amber and Andrew loved me so well...they just let Millie and me hang out and be, not easy when you come from a "fix it" family. I'm still recovering and praying these meds pass through my system quickly. I'm going back to a safe and trusted med where the main side effect is weight gain. I'll take weight gain over this level of anxiety any day! 

For all those that struggle with anxiety I feel for you. I know I'll still have moments of anxiety as most of us do, but I pray it doesn't haunt me as I wake up and go to bed each day, and I pray the same for you. 

Love, 

Brandee 

Loss

This is a tough post to write, but writing has become therapeutic for me. 

I was in Austin this week at SXSWedu and enjoyed hearing great speakers like Temple Grandin, but part of me felt disconnected. Yesterday I realized the hotel I was staying at in Austin was the one my dad and I used to stay together at during our summer Texas Tours. He loved Austin, so I did too. We have lots of family memories walking the UT campus and visiting the Capitol. For the Texas Tours I took with my dad, we would pack up and drive to West Texas to see family and then do something fun along the way home. I don't talk a lot about my dad, but my heart hurts for him. He has three daughters that love and need him, but he doesn't know how to receive that love or be there in a loving way, so right now our relationship is broken. 

Here's a view from the hotel- it was right on Towne Lake so it was beautiful. 

We always visited the Capitol and stood on the star to hear our voice echo. 

Honestly, if you asked me 10 years ago where I would be, my life is not where I thought it would be. I thought I would be married, out of Houston and with at least one or two kids, but God had other plans. 

This was my first conference without Rich by my side- I didn't go to any conferences last year because of health reasons, so I didn't think about it. And even though we haven't been together for awhile, this week felt lonely without him by my side. I kept seeing things that made me think of him or something I wanted to tell him about from a session. Like this art...he would have loved it. Even though it reminded me of him, God still used it to comfort me because God is creative. 

I'm also mourning the loss of my home and neighbors at Woodvine Park. I knew they watched out for me and there was always someone to talk to; now, my neighbors close their garage doors and go inside for the night. And even though I knew that my home was not the best place for Lily and vice-versa, it's hard to go home and walk by her room. I'm praying for favor with my landlord to understand and open the doors for a new home. 

Really, I'm just looking for God to do some new things and show up in BIG ways. I need a fresh start. A fresh outlook. A fresh heart. A fresh pair of eyes. A fresh look at all the great things God has done for me. 

I'm giving myself permission to feel and be sad- something I denied myself for most of my life. It hurts. 

In the midst of emotions, I'm thankful for the sunshine in this cloudy time---a sister that opens her home as a refuge, the Tromps, including my sweet niece and nephew, healing between my mom and me and the doggies. They all love me so well. 

Sweet doggies, I had food they wanted. ;)

                Love these two! ❤️

My daily prayer is, God you're going to have to get me out of this mess because 

it's too big for me to do anything about! Thanks for reading, 

Brandee 

Love and Beauty

Seventeen years ago I found out my parents were getting a divorce. It was one of the hardest times of my life. Growing up with a family and then having a broken one all at once was a hard pill to swallow- it still is sometimes. 

That year for my birthday, my mom gave me the Hearts and Flowers ring from James Avery, my favorite place to receive a gift from! When she gave it to me, she told me, "No matter what, there is still love and beauty around you." I faithfully wore the ring for many years and then moved on to other rings and it sat in my jewelry box. I pulled it out last year to wear again because it's a powerful visual for me! This past Sunday, I went to church with my mom and she reminded me when and why she gave me the ring. It was a sweet reminder that God has, is and will continue to be faithful to me. 

To quote C.S. Lewis, "They say Aslan is on the move." God is doing new things in my life and reminding me of sweet memories too. He is healing and mending my heart. Like I was prayed for on Sunday, He is wrapping a blanket of peace around my shoulders. Oh how I need it! 

Leap Year

February is a tough month for me for many reasons this year. I've taken some leaps of faith and fallen, but God has been faithful to pick me up and help me continue to walk a path of courage.  

1. It's Leap Year. Eight years ago on February 29, 2008, I met the man I thought I would marry. That same man had a birthday yesterday. We've been broken up for about a year now.
2. I sent Lily home to live with her mom because I learned that my heart wasn't equipped to handle her emotions and baggage. 
3. Even though I haven't talked to my dad in almost four years, I still care what he thinks. 
4. I'm in a huge 3 bedroom town home that is feels isolated and lonely. 
5. New medical bills arrive in the mail every day and my finances are a mess. 

BUT GOD...

1. ...is showing me I don't have to do life alone.  
2. ....is showing me He has healing for my broken heart.
3. ...is showing me He is a good Father.
4. ...is showing me how much he loves me through a sister that sends daily verses, text messages and encouragement to me. 
5. ...is showing me I don't have to worry about tomorrow. 

I have many blessings...

Tactile Therapy in Coloring Books with Prisma Colors!

Reminders of Hope Spelled Out in Bold Letters on a Saturday Morning Walk! 

Millie - a  Dog that Loves Me and Can't Stand it When I'm Away From Her! 

Fun at Work While Fundraising for the Library!

Sisters Who Know Me and Love Me! 

Love,

Failure, gulp.

Today I visited two doctors...one was an eye doctor who does research and ministry through his work and the other was a psychologist who is helping me work through things with Lily. 

Both of them confirmed what God had already been speaking to me...I live my life in fear of failure. No, this is not a new concept for me. I've talked to quite a few amazing therapists about this and yet, I still struggle. 

Dr. Joey, the optometrist, advised that I accept failure as wisdom. He does more than just check eyes - my soul was nourished when I left. Dr. Lee encouraged me to be thankful to God for the chance to make mistakes because it reminds me how much I need Him. 

Y'all, this is tough stuff. After all, I'm not perfect and I never will be. I'm pretty sure the only person that "expects" me to be perfect is me. Amidst all this perfectionism is a driving force of guilt. Guilt that I'm not enough of...a friend, a person, a librarian, a guardian...fill in the blank, depending on the day. Dr. Lee also reminded me that guilt is sadness (Hello self-pity.) BUT godly sorrow brings change. 

2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorry (GUILT) brings death." 

I want to live in LIFE and not death. I want FREEDOM instead of bondage. I want CONNECTION instead of isolation. I want INTIMACY instead of privacy. I want to LOVE OTHERS FREELY instead of fearing abandonment. I want to BE BRAVE instead of afraid. I want to have HOPE instead of despair. I want to be REAL instead of fake. 

"You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand."

Margery Williams

The Velveteen Rabbit

I'm not sure what the next week or month holds for me, but I'm going to take it moment by moment and accept that it's okay to fail. Hey, I might even learn something along the way. ;-)

 

Silence has never been so loud.

Y'all, I am not kidding. I am "used to" the silent treatment - thanks, dad - but silence since Saturday night with a few occasional sighs, moans and mmm-hmm is all I am getting right now. It's Tuesday night. Praise God for Dr. Lee, my sisters, and my friends for listening to me vent and helping me through this. Even though it's not about me, it's still hard.

See, Lily's birthday was Saturday. Thanks to Amber, we had cupcakes and a photo scavenger hunt for 4 kids plus Lily. (I was getting over a sinus infection and strep throat.) We had a blast and Lily and Carson even ran through the water on a COLD day in Houston. I was prepared with towels and we even stopped for hot chocolate. 

Happy Birthday Time!

Friends at Los Trompos 

Lily's mom mentioned she would take her to dinner on her birthday night...she never showed, called or texted to my knowledge. So Lily and I went out for Korean food and it was delicious. 

I love this picture of Lily because it's raw vulnerability... 

After dinner, I mentioned we would be going to church with my sister, the silence began. Faith and Jesus are both BIG parts of my life. God is the one who put Lily on my heart. She knows that and before she moved in or we proceeded in any kind of capacity, Lily agreed to go to church and be present. But it was painful spending the day with her Sunday. I know it's not about me, but it's still hard. 

I think what also made it hard was the emotional roller coaster of celebration to disappointment to silence. So now, I am using new techniques from Dr. Lee to encourage Lily and be direct. Prayers are greatly appreciated. I am looking for a counselor for Lily but with Medicaid it's limited. I wish that CPS would have stayed involved to check in on us...it feels like I've been left alone with no instruction manual for dealing with this transition. Again, I know it's feelings, but still, it is hard. 

I'm doing self-care. Millie and long afternoon walks are my comfort. So thankful the weather has been sunny and bright! 

So thankful for this pup. 

A much needed reminder of God's beauty and who's really in control.

Thanks for journeying with me. 
Love,

Gratitude

Today I'm thankful for many things...

1. A new therapist who "sees" me

2. A sweet friend who drove Lily home 

3. The kids at SBMS who freely love me and call my name down the hall 5 or 10 times

4. My sisters

5. Millie's love and snuggles

6. Master Sarah & Master Kim 

7. Whataburger  dinners 

8.  Friends who pray 

9. Grace to be me