Silence has never been so loud.

Y'all, I am not kidding. I am "used to" the silent treatment - thanks, dad - but silence since Saturday night with a few occasional sighs, moans and mmm-hmm is all I am getting right now. It's Tuesday night. Praise God for Dr. Lee, my sisters, and my friends for listening to me vent and helping me through this. Even though it's not about me, it's still hard.

See, Lily's birthday was Saturday. Thanks to Amber, we had cupcakes and a photo scavenger hunt for 4 kids plus Lily. (I was getting over a sinus infection and strep throat.) We had a blast and Lily and Carson even ran through the water on a COLD day in Houston. I was prepared with towels and we even stopped for hot chocolate. 

Happy Birthday Time!

Friends at Los Trompos 

Lily's mom mentioned she would take her to dinner on her birthday night...she never showed, called or texted to my knowledge. So Lily and I went out for Korean food and it was delicious. 

I love this picture of Lily because it's raw vulnerability... 

After dinner, I mentioned we would be going to church with my sister, the silence began. Faith and Jesus are both BIG parts of my life. God is the one who put Lily on my heart. She knows that and before she moved in or we proceeded in any kind of capacity, Lily agreed to go to church and be present. But it was painful spending the day with her Sunday. I know it's not about me, but it's still hard. 

I think what also made it hard was the emotional roller coaster of celebration to disappointment to silence. So now, I am using new techniques from Dr. Lee to encourage Lily and be direct. Prayers are greatly appreciated. I am looking for a counselor for Lily but with Medicaid it's limited. I wish that CPS would have stayed involved to check in on us...it feels like I've been left alone with no instruction manual for dealing with this transition. Again, I know it's feelings, but still, it is hard. 

I'm doing self-care. Millie and long afternoon walks are my comfort. So thankful the weather has been sunny and bright! 

So thankful for this pup. 

A much needed reminder of God's beauty and who's really in control.

Thanks for journeying with me. 
Love,

Spanglish

I sit here alone on the couch with the last of our fire and my heart is breaking for the sweet girl that is going to sleep upstairs tonight.

Who knew that sitting down to watch an Adam Sandler movie would draw such emotion? Tonight after a long day, Lily and I sat down to watch Spanglish. Most Adam Sandler movies are hilarious and bring lots of laughter, but tonight we unknowingly picked a movie that would bring up painful emotions for Lily. 

Basically the story is that a young mother brings her daughter to America for a better life, starts working for a wealthy family, live in Malibu with the family for the summer  and then return back to L.A. where Flor's daughter starts attending the "white" private school. The movie is Cristina's letter to Princeton about Flor and the sacrifices her mom made for her. 

Lily does not cry easily and thinks a lot before sharing her thoughts, very similar to me. At the end of the movie, I could see the wheels turning in her head...because how can you watch a movie where a mother gives up everything for her daughter when your own mother has never been there for you? 

I don't know the whole story of Lily's life, but I am beginning to see how much pain she holds inside - I am grateful for the freedom God is bringing to both of us so to express our emotions and feelings and cry together. So if you're a mom, hug your daughter or son extra tight tonight and let them know you'll be there when they need you. They might resist, but inside their hearts will rest secure knowing how loved they truly are. 

Love,