Failure, gulp.

Today I visited two doctors...one was an eye doctor who does research and ministry through his work and the other was a psychologist who is helping me work through things with Lily. 

Both of them confirmed what God had already been speaking to me...I live my life in fear of failure. No, this is not a new concept for me. I've talked to quite a few amazing therapists about this and yet, I still struggle. 

Dr. Joey, the optometrist, advised that I accept failure as wisdom. He does more than just check eyes - my soul was nourished when I left. Dr. Lee encouraged me to be thankful to God for the chance to make mistakes because it reminds me how much I need Him. 

Y'all, this is tough stuff. After all, I'm not perfect and I never will be. I'm pretty sure the only person that "expects" me to be perfect is me. Amidst all this perfectionism is a driving force of guilt. Guilt that I'm not enough of...a friend, a person, a librarian, a guardian...fill in the blank, depending on the day. Dr. Lee also reminded me that guilt is sadness (Hello self-pity.) BUT godly sorrow brings change. 

2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorry (GUILT) brings death." 

I want to live in LIFE and not death. I want FREEDOM instead of bondage. I want CONNECTION instead of isolation. I want INTIMACY instead of privacy. I want to LOVE OTHERS FREELY instead of fearing abandonment. I want to BE BRAVE instead of afraid. I want to have HOPE instead of despair. I want to be REAL instead of fake. 

"You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand."

Margery Williams

The Velveteen Rabbit

I'm not sure what the next week or month holds for me, but I'm going to take it moment by moment and accept that it's okay to fail. Hey, I might even learn something along the way. ;-)