These days...

The past week has been a tough one for me. Work stress, health stress, having-a-teenager-in-my-home stress. I'm blessed to have sweet sisters who love, encourage and pray for me. Amber especially helped out by taking Lily Thursday when I was sick and then Saturday to have some fun time together. 

Having Lily here is a blessing but it's also a huge adjustment. Roller coaster emotions, setting boundaries, and sharing a space but feeling alone too. Yes, I'm being extremely vulnerable. I need your prayers and guidance. There's so much more but I trust that God will reveal to those who pray. 

Spanglish

I sit here alone on the couch with the last of our fire and my heart is breaking for the sweet girl that is going to sleep upstairs tonight.

Who knew that sitting down to watch an Adam Sandler movie would draw such emotion? Tonight after a long day, Lily and I sat down to watch Spanglish. Most Adam Sandler movies are hilarious and bring lots of laughter, but tonight we unknowingly picked a movie that would bring up painful emotions for Lily. 

Basically the story is that a young mother brings her daughter to America for a better life, starts working for a wealthy family, live in Malibu with the family for the summer  and then return back to L.A. where Flor's daughter starts attending the "white" private school. The movie is Cristina's letter to Princeton about Flor and the sacrifices her mom made for her. 

Lily does not cry easily and thinks a lot before sharing her thoughts, very similar to me. At the end of the movie, I could see the wheels turning in her head...because how can you watch a movie where a mother gives up everything for her daughter when your own mother has never been there for you? 

I don't know the whole story of Lily's life, but I am beginning to see how much pain she holds inside - I am grateful for the freedom God is bringing to both of us so to express our emotions and feelings and cry together. So if you're a mom, hug your daughter or son extra tight tonight and let them know you'll be there when they need you. They might resist, but inside their hearts will rest secure knowing how loved they truly are. 

Love,

Grace

This face~

My Saving Grace.

On days when life is rough~

This Girl lets me know I am enough.

Her eyes, love and cuddles~

Erase the day's struggles.

Because she is sensitive to how I am feeling~

Her compassion for me is healing.

I couldn't ask for a better guide~

To show me how to love my life. 

Love

Love: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties  

Auntie knew right when I needed this video of Ben. It made me cry. He asked why. It's because it made me happy...hard to explain to a three year old. 

At school, I feel like the mother to so many. We have almost 1,100 students and many of them come from broken homes, severe pain, all kinds of abuse, and other things to sad to even mention. Because of working with people like David Truitt and Ted Vierling, I learned that relationships are THE most important thing in education. If a child does not feel safe, loved, fed or accepted, they will not learn anything. So when I had the chance to be a librarian, I knew I wanted the library to be a place where all students felt welcome, loved and accepted. I could go on and on about the reasons, but I just have to think of my time in junior high and that's enough for me. Thankfully, the school welcomed that idea too and has let me love kids freely. 

So much has changed in education since I started teaching, but so much has stayed the same too. Kids still want to have fun with their friends, make connections with teachers and enjoy their day at school. They also love stickers and candy! As the librarian, I see all the kids from sixth to eighth grade. Sometimes they come in on their own and sometimes with their class. Some of the sweetest and hardest moments happen when a student comes to share with me about something difficult. 

Yesterday, at the end of the day, after setting up a projector for an anti-bullying speaker, I walked out to find one of the girls in my coding class looking for her friend in the hall. See, her friend had gone to the bathroom but never returned to class. Sweet Girl asked me to stay with her until she could find her friend. Not even five minutes later I was standing in the girls' bathroom with the two of them with tears streaming down our faces. Sweet Girl is moving back to Mexico and the other cannot handle it right now. So from now until Sweet Girl moves, they are coming to the library and eating lunch, just the two of them, in our student room so they can have some quality time together. 

I love this quote from Katie Davis - it is so applicable to my life right now in so many ways. 

I wish so much that our schools could remember this and focus on the whole child instead of just grades and testing. Honestly, I thought that by getting out of the classroom and moving to the library, I would not have to deal with testing, but when you're in public education, it's everywhere. 

Thanks to people who have made a difference in my life, taught and led me well, I will continue to seek to love kids and meet them where they are at, give them snacks and food from the library fridge, give them hugs, laugh and cry with them, and ultimately give them unconditional love because sometimes the library is the only place they can find it. 

Lily's Homecoming

The Journey 

August 30, 2015 my life began to change and not just because it was my birthday. A friend from church, Debra, called and shared that Lily had been taken out of her home. Lily was immediately placed in the Parker's home for a month. Debra knew I worked at SBMS, where Lily went to school, so she asked if I could bring her home from school everyday. My immediate answer was, Yes. 

See, I've noticed Lily at school since she was in sixth grade. She often walked alone, carried humongous stacks of books and had a sad feeling around her. (I am very sensitive to emotions and have been told by more than one counselor that I am an emotional thermometer.) Every day I saw Lily going to gym I would tell her hello. Sometimes she smiled, sometimes she said hi and other times she kept walking. I could tell she was hurting, so I just kept loving her as much as a school librarian can. 

When I got to start driving Lily home after school, we started to bond. We talked about our days, art, and school. Sometimes she even sang along to the song on the radio. Then she started telling me about her drawings and I was hooked. Lily has so many beautiful stories inside of her. God started tapping on my heart that maybe I could do more than just drive herhome. I saw her at church each week and she started asking to sit with me. God was working on her heart too.

As the fall semester progressed, the month that Lily was supposed to stay at the Parker's turned into two months, then three months. Somewhere in that time, Lily and one of her friends asked to speak me. They asked if I had ever thought about fostering or adoption. I was floored. Since when do eighth graders come to their school librarian and ask such serious questions? That very week, Debra and I had just talked about what it would look like for me to take guardianship of Lily, so I answered honestly and said that I had thought about it. 

But, since when do single women take on guardianship of a young thirteen year old? I wrestled, but God kept working on my heart. Debra gave me one of the wisest visuals. She shared part of her family's adoption journey with me and asked me how I would feel if I saw Lily in photographs or in life with another family. That sealed the deal. I didn't want her in anyone else's photos...I wanted her in mine and my family's. 

So after a few weeks of back and forth, Lily's birth mother signed over guardianship to me. Since I work in the district and at her school, it had to be fully legal. So on, December 6, 2015, Lily came home with me. 

December 6

I was living in a one bedroom condo, but Lily was happy to sleep on the couch. Then came the search for a new home. We saw some great places that were too expensive and then some really scary places. And just in the nick of time, God provided our new home. We started moving the December 26th and it felt like it took forever. We had lots of help from friends and family. I honestly could not have made it without my sisters.

Moving Day

Calling in all forces!

So many people have been generous to us. Lily has a beautiful wardrobe, a headboard, mattresses, bathroom decor and is loving having her own room for the first time in her life. We also got a washer and dryer and help moving it too. It's really starting to feel like home now. Lily loves to eat home cooked meals so I've really been trying to cook at home and eat out less. Amber called tonight and joked, "Every time I call you, you're cooking. Who are you?!"  It is easy to cook for someone who is so appreciative. 

One of the most beautiful things for me to watch is how my family has embraced Lily. She had Christmas presents and lots of hugs. Jenna and Benjamin adore her. Anytime I call they ask for Lily now. Only God could do something so special. 

Christmas Morning

Jenna and Benjamin love Lily.

We've definitely had our ups and downs, but overall, having Lily come live with me has been one of the least stressful things in my life. We were both more than happy to say good bye to 2015 and we gladly welcomed 2016. We celebrated in Spring at Lance's party with Amber and Andrew. It was Lily's first time doing fireworks and she LOVED it. We will always have fireworks on New Years!

New Years Eve Fun!

So that's a little bit of our story. We love hanging out by the fire place. I'm learning about Anime. Lily is learning about rules and chores. We are both learning to love each other. And Millie, how could I forget Millie? I've lost my sleeping buddy because she loves snuggling with Lily each night, but it's okay by me, especially when I get a big hug and an "I love you" at night.

We both love the fireplace!

Lily and Millie

This week in pictures...

Lily came home with me Sunday afternoon! So thankful for the prayers of the Parkers and so many others.

We decorated our Christmas tree and Amber sent pizza and brownies over for us! 

One of my library aides from last year came to help at Hour of Code!

Lily and Millie bonding!

One of our sweet students had a birthday and his mom brought homemade enchiladas!

Dress up day with one of our 8th grade readers!

In the middle of a stressful night looking for a place to live, God sent a beautiful sunset.

My car hit 70,000 miles! 

And a great end to the week with a sweet friend and delicious cortado from Pura Coffee!

Thanksgiving

It has been a much needed break for me- this Thanksgiving holiday. But more importantly it's helped me focus on the many things I'm thankful for this year! I have so many blessings. Sisters who are best friends. A doggie who loves me. Healing in my heart from hurts. Reconnection with my mom. A cozy place to live. Students who share their hearts with me. A church that loves Jesus and people. So many things. And yet, I still struggle. When my body hurts. When I feel sad. When it seems like all the good is not enough to overcome the bad. When I pour out my heart and it's refused. When the doggie pees on the floor. So many things can go wrong. BUT GOD...he intervenes and reminds me He has the power and control. Moving won't be so bad. He knows my heart's desire to be a wife and mom. He knows that I want Sami much to have a "normal" body free from pain. He makes all the struggles seem small when I remember how big He is. Is it easy? Not even a little bit. Is it worthy? More than I eve realize now! So join me in focusing on gratitude for the little, big and bigger things God does. Hope is his business.